Stephanie Vacher

the following is a short list i’ve composed to help you better understand the products needed to rescue an immune system that just won’t quit… quitting. in your food-poisoned time of need, i hope this will help you turn to (or away from) certain items that i’ve had the joy of “testing” in the past few days:

(A) canada dry ginger ale: because the canadian grading system apparently “never” gives out A-plusses (lies) i’m forced to give but only an A to the mighty ginger ale. it works! as long as you sip it, for the love of god, don’t gulp it.

(B+) pepto bismol: i’m going to say that pepto is a good contender, but it just doesn’t work unless you’re using it in conjunction with other items. the pepto is a great opponent if you only have one of the problems that it’s been proven to solve, but if you’re running the gamut, it just can’t make the match.

(D-) carnation instant breakfast: the intentions were good, but it just didn’t work out as planned.

(A-) saltine crackers: for when the going gets tough, the saltines get going. one of the few items i was able to consume and keep down. used in conjunction with the ginger ale, saltines make a wicked mix that will keep your tummy happy. i guarantee it.

(B) water: this is kind of where i throw my hands in the air and go “i don’t know! i don’t know!” because half the time, it’s your friend. the other half, your enemy. let’s call water your frenemy. you need it, but after 36 hours, you don’t want any more of it because you know you’ll be seeing it again within the next 15 minutes, anyway. when you’re sick, water is the equivalent of that stupid friend you had in third grade who would only hang out with you when he needed to borrow 35 cents for a soda, but he would always leave you the answer sheet for every math quiz under his desk. you know he’s necessary, but you don’t want to admit it.

(C+) flintstones vitamins: i really just convinced my boyfriend to buy them because i wanted to re-live the fun of being a kid who didn’t eat right, but part of me thinks they aided in the effort of keeping me sane and well-nourished during these troubled times.

(A) zyrtec, calamine lotion and bactine spray: the bottle of bactine says “don’t use over large quantities of the body” but to hell with that. after the food poisoning, my immune system was shot to the point where i contracted the hives over most of my back, shoulders, chest, and legs. the bactine, working with the calamine lotion, brought the fire down to a simmer. the rest was solved with one pill of zyrtec, which suddenly appeared from under the sink and i still don’t know where we got it in the first place.

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